whine du jour

Man, I’m broke. Technically I have six more days to make the $250 that I’m short for the rent, but the same week there’s car insurance and what all else. I woke up today with time to try to pick up a shift, but I didn’t go. Something in my brain is waiting for a deadline, for a “now or never,” like it has always, annoyingly, done. Most of me craves freedom and flexibility, but that little lazy part that won’t do anything til a week after it’s necessary seems to control my moving parts. It’s nearly always been this way; it’s nothing new. Things always “work out” eventually. How else would I still have a roof over my head, a car to drive, food to eat? Problem is, it gets to a point where I so resent the lazy part that I think, maybe I’ll let the roof go, so the other part will be forced to take over. I’ve done it before. Always makes for a good adventure, but dammit, I’m a grownup. I’ve learned how to keep the roof and still go off on the adventure. (Haven’t I?) and anyway, adventure is not what’s lacking, big picture. It’s the dailies. They’re boring, black & white, lacking in plot. Sounds easy enough to fix, but the motivation escapes me. bought a jug of vitamins a couple weeks ago, but I haven’t gotten around to actually ingesting one. the intention is there, the follow-through is not. for now, for a step, as per fchornik’s wise recommendation, I’ll try writing hereabouts (or nearby) every day, even if this boring shite is all I have to say. get the fingers moving, maybe those pesky lazy parts will follow. “I thought if I toe the right lines But these mockingbirds won’t let me shine.” (--grant lee buffalo)

mess

i'm a mess. no getting around it. been wandering around in said mess, playing solitaire like it's my job. saw something tonight that made me realize something... can't explain more than that. sent me back to some old journals, knew i needed to find something there. at the moment, the thing seems to be the following, from charles simic's 'the unemployed fortune teller:' "it's your birthday. the child you were appears on the street wearing a stupid grin. he wants to take you by the hand, but you won't let him. 'you've forgotten something,' he whispers. and you, quiet as a mutt around an undertaker, since, of course, he (the child) doesn't exist." and from the same essay ("the necessity of poetry," appropriately enough): "i tiptoed so as not to wake the dead man." wish me luck wandering out of the mess. and for the courage to step off the cliff that, according to my notes, i've been hovering above for about a decade.

blue lights

the crime spike i was worried about over the holidays is apparently on a time delay. i think it was two weeks ago that i slowly realized, at 3 or 4 am, that the flickering lights on my wall were not just from the candle & tv, but also from several cop cars and a paddy wagon blocking the corner nearest my building-- no lights, no commotion. now, tonight, about 1:50am, i was watching tv, with the air purifier running, so plenty of noise both white and otherwise, when i heard voices that seemed to be too loud. i paused the show, listened for a minute to see if they sounded menacing. i'd usually ignore it, given the time frame on a saturday night, but i'd heard some popping earlier that i assumed to be leftover fireworks but couldn't be sure. next thing i hear is a car going WAY too fast, but before i could even wonder where i'd left my phone, the car got close & turned abruptly into the alley across the street, and i could see the blue lights. so, i figured whatever it was, somebody was on it. not five minutes later, i realize there's blue on my wall again, look out, and again several cop cars, lights on, blocking the corner. huh. a few minutes after that, i hear another sound, a louder idle, and it's parked in the middle of the street in such a way that i can only see the front, but it's either the paddy wagon again or an ambulance. just then more lights arrive, park directly across the street from my building, cop gets out on foot and heads down the alley (not looking in much of a hurry, but appears to be reaching for something else on his belt). and in the time it took me to write this, a full 25 mins after i first heard the noise, another cop truck of some sort (with blue lights) just drove down the alley, tho i can hear that the first one is still idling at the corner. as if my anxiety levels weren't high enough.

pumpkin

well whaddya know, i actually made it to training on time this morning. amazing! now i just have to repeat that feat for several weeks. my DSPS is proving itself... despite tylenol PM and no nap, i am not the least bit tired right now. (thanks to bb, fellow sufferer, for the sleep link.) planning on experimenting with melatonin, but i'll wait for the weekend, since i haven't used it in years. the training itself was as boring as one might imagine. we were basically taught how not to be rude to clients. huh. good news is, it seems AM traffic is mostly done by that time-- it only took 10 minutes door to door, which is good because i left 15 minutes later than planned (because of course i slept through my sonic boom alarm AND about 8 cell phone alarms). thanks to frank and clay for attempting to call-- don't know what my phone's problem was. and now i must attempt to turn into a pumpkin. it just feels so wrong...

sleep becomes her

sleep schedule preparation for the new job is going quite poorly thus far. if anyone is up & has a minute any M-F this week & wants to give me a wakeup call anytime b/w 7 and 8 am, i'll appreciate it. today i slept through one alarm and 3 calls... and training starts tomorrow. ugh. almost finished moving furniture back into the spare bedroom, finally. (come visit, y'all!) other than that, and some real estate work, i've accomplished precious little this week. ugh again. school starts tomorrow, and i haven't been to campus yet. if they'd let me pay off my outstanding balance by phone, this would be a lot easier. still driving on an expired sticker, so i'm trying to limit my motoring, but starting tomorrow, that won't really be an option. training ends at noon, so perhaps i'll find a place that will inspect it after. wish me luck... and please no calls after 11pm this week, friends! (i know-- it seems so wrong.)

new year, new job...

it seems i've bitten the bullet: i start training for a 9 to 5 job on monday. (pause for WTF?!) it's seasonal, so it's not a permanent lifestyle change, but it will take some adjustment. hence, starting tonight, it's on with the melatonin and time to start setting an alarm clock again. like a complete space case, i forgot during the interview to ask how much it pays, so it's still possible i won't take it, but it's unlikely at this point. the job is basically admin & customer service, a rough combination of the two jobs i have now. it's a tax office, so it's something new to learn (80% discount on their online classes for employees), which is always fun. and the seasonal aspect will give me a chance to try out this whole day-job concept (for the first time in almost a decade) and see if i can really hack it before considering something more permanent. not a bad way to start off the year, given my realization that i need to do more working this year and less being lazy. i'll keep the real estate gig, of course, and i'll be able to pick up shifts at the cafe on the weekends. in theory, this means i can still take a nice big trip whenever this job is done for the season. (didn't get a solid answer in the interview on when that would be, but i'm assuming late april.) and if the pay is decent and/or if i buckle down and work weekends in february at the cafe, i could still do a quick weekend trip in march & catch a couple spring training games. (decided against bike week for several reasons.) and, of course, this leaves me the theoretical option of spending summer in new york for the third year in a row. add to that the fact that i won't have to drive around searching for a parking spot after work, and the pro list well outweighs the con list (which consists of the early wake-up and the sudden lack of schedule flexibility). so, tomorrow i'll find out how much it'll cost my car to pass inspection, and hopefully after that i'll go register for at least one class at JSR. i was hoping for at least two, both for general progress and for loan deferment status, but i have a feeling the car is going to suck up a chunk of the school money. plus it's been so long since i've worked more than 30 hours or so a week, i should probably ease back in carefully.