whine du jour

Man, I’m broke. Technically I have six more days to make the $250 that I’m short for the rent, but the same week there’s car insurance and what all else. I woke up today with time to try to pick up a shift, but I didn’t go. Something in my brain is waiting for a deadline, for a “now or never,” like it has always, annoyingly, done. Most of me craves freedom and flexibility, but that little lazy part that won’t do anything til a week after it’s necessary seems to control my moving parts. It’s nearly always been this way; it’s nothing new. Things always “work out” eventually. How else would I still have a roof over my head, a car to drive, food to eat? Problem is, it gets to a point where I so resent the lazy part that I think, maybe I’ll let the roof go, so the other part will be forced to take over. I’ve done it before. Always makes for a good adventure, but dammit, I’m a grownup. I’ve learned how to keep the roof and still go off on the adventure. (Haven’t I?) and anyway, adventure is not what’s lacking, big picture. It’s the dailies. They’re boring, black & white, lacking in plot. Sounds easy enough to fix, but the motivation escapes me. bought a jug of vitamins a couple weeks ago, but I haven’t gotten around to actually ingesting one. the intention is there, the follow-through is not. for now, for a step, as per fchornik’s wise recommendation, I’ll try writing hereabouts (or nearby) every day, even if this boring shite is all I have to say. get the fingers moving, maybe those pesky lazy parts will follow. “I thought if I toe the right lines But these mockingbirds won’t let me shine.” (--grant lee buffalo)