soapy

the good news: the weather's beautiful, wish i were here. oh wait-- i am. focus on that. the non-news: i finally finished copying the bajillion CDs, DVDs, and tapes that i have promised to send off to a million people. woo for me. now there's that pesky post office trip. monday, maybe. also, i signed the paper to renew the lease, tho i haven't gotten that in the mail either, and it's due today. some kind of psychological block, i'm sure, but i'm gonna do it. still plotting to spend part of the summer in rhinebeck, but i'm not giving up this apartment until i leave richmond, barring any bizarro-world circumstances. (i.e. i get rich and buy a house-- tho given the market, i doubt i'd do it here.) i could live in rhinebeck full time, year round, for free, but screw the snow. and i'm not "allowed" to leave here permanently w/o a damn degree. (again, barring bizarro world, like i find someone else who can get me into an MFA program w/o it, but this time one w/o the aforementioned snow.) the bad news: mom's been in the hospital all week. in tejas, of course, where i am not. abt 2 weeks ago now, she had a basal cell carcinoma removed, no big deal, they think they got it all, and they gave her antibiotics as per the usual course of things. a weekish later, she got sick-- couldn't do anything but sleep & be, well, sick. she did her usual "no big deal, i'm sure it's just a stomach flu," then finally went to the ER w/o much to show, then went back, to a different hospital. (the folks live *outside* of a town w/less than 2000 people, so their choices, given distance + the f'd up state of retiree/dependent medical care, is slim. i'm no expert, but... my dad served 20+ years, the latter many of which he hated but endured b/c of promises of retirement benefits for him and his family... and still they pay out the nose for health care, and have to ASK PERMISSION to seek emergency care??) 10 hours in the 2nd ER later, someone finally asked the right questions, and it turns out the antibiotic she was given was a broad spectrum one. um... can you say "medical history?" yes, i thought you could, dumbass doc. mom has a compromised immune system from the cancer back yonder... she has no spleen, for allah's sake... so broad spectrum=no good. that killed *everything* bacteria-wise, leaving her body open to random nonsense that most of us confront daily w/o issue. this is not the first time... years ago she got a listeria bug-- common and allowed by the FDA in milk-- and nearly died. ended up w/6 weeks home-ridden, daily nurses, and a machine that pumped drugs into a PICC line every 8 hours, to avoid 6 wks in the hospital-- she HATES hospitals. the specific bacteria this time, i don't know, b/c my dad has yet to get a doc to pronounce it slowly and/or write it down, but suffice it to say, she's got a bad case of colitis. tuesday night, they said that once they IV'd a couple bags of the new (correct, specific) antibiotic into her, she'd turn a corner and feel much better, but that hasn't happened. she's awake more of the day, but still sick. still in the hospital. i want to go see her, feel like i should, but i don't have the grand it would cost me (none of us living near a decent airport), and i'm thinking that if she gets out and needs attention after my dad has to go back to work, well, i should wait til then. dad wondered aloud that her parents haven't offered to come, from within the same state (though *his* mom will be there in a few days, from the same distance, even tho she doesn't drive and can barely walk), and i agree, but i also understand, reluctantly, that at a certain point, certain people will spend time in hospitals, and it won't be that big of a deal, and maybe that's their perspective, too. i just hate that that's true. and there's a part of me that hates that it's so difficult and expensive to go see my folks, even though we aren't super close, and that before last october, i hadn't seen them in three years. i'm a bad daughter, and sadly, i suppose i was trained that way-- by my mom. and i know that doesn't make it right. related soapbox: what the FUCK is up with health insurance? coincidentally, i'd been doing some research myself... a gal at work spurred it, and i'm giving myself a one year + one week deadline, i.e. my 35th bday, to do something about it. (i've been without it since 1998.) she reco'd a high-deductible HSA deal, and that's all well and good (tax breaks are particularly appealing, given that half my earnings are from self-employment), but why, why, WHY is everything in this freakin country focused on bad things happening, instead of on prevention? i say this as a smoker and drinker and driver... i don't expect free/national health care any more than i expect free car/life/renter's insurance, but come on-- how is it that annual checkups and wellness issues aren't covered if i'm paying thousands a year and don't otherwise go to the doctor?? my car insurance went down last week by a significant amount-- $100 every 6 months, which is about 30% of what i pay-- mostly because i've been insured but haven't been in an accident. why doesn't health insurance go down if i get checked up annually and am found to be healthy? how can i get motivated to put out so much money when i go to the doc on average of once every couple years at a cost of about $150 each time? strep in 2004... mono in 2002... acne meds at the free clinic last year, to which i donate whenever i can... if i get lung cancer, well, quite frankly, that'll be my own fault, and i'll expect to pay for it. but i'd rather put $100 aside every month for the rest of my stunted life in a regular savings account, thinking it's for my retirement horse ranch but ending up spending it on hospitals, than give it to some HMO who's not going to then pay for my annual physical or even a pap smear. GRR. having said that-- i've always thought (even as a smoker, drinker, driver) that "sin" taxes should be higher. if i want to smoke, and i'm assumed to get that pesky lung cancer when i'm old enough to get gov't benefits, then fine-- charge me $10 a pack, but then put the $$ in a fund for medicaid/care/whichever. but do the same for big macs, dammit. and if you need to spend eighty gajillion dollars to secure enough oil so that i can drive 8 blocks to work and back to avoid getting mugged on the way home in the dark, that's fine too, but charge me $8 for a tank of gas for the privilege and then use THAT money to pay for the campaign. capitalism is supposed to leave me the option of talking with my wallet. i'll walk to work (and back home in the dark) if i don't want to pay that much, or i'll make a conscious decision to pay it. do i get a discount for taking vitamins and only eating fast food when i take road trips? or for walking around in circles and lifting heavy objects for a living when so many others are sitting behind a desk? doesn't look that way. and while i'm on my prevention soapbox... why do airlines offer bereavement fares, so i can go half-price to a funeral, but not to my mom's hospital room? "eh, she's just sick, send her some flowers." stupid. in three hours there will be a band playing outside my window for 20,000 people who will get up and run 10K on a route that goes by my apartment. i'm guessing most of them, health-oriented as they are, probably have health insurance. my primary goal right now is to be into deep sleep before the band starts playing, so i can get 8 hours before i have to be back at work. what's wrong with this picture??