smoke circles

i smoke too much. if i think too hard about it, i'm nudging the outer edge of a $100 a month habit. what the fuckity fuck. that's about the same as it would cost me to get some health insurance, if perchance i didn't smoke. the difference? yeah. speaking of, recent days have found me offering the super-secret DVD to a gal who deserves it. thinking it should be public, yet thinking too it should stay private. anyone who has any idea what i'm talking about, ask me for it and i'll send it on. meanwhile, i'll keep watching it once every couple weeks and trying not to cry. and "praying" that no one else i love should ever, ever go away. the more half-drunken nights in a row that i burn bacon and toss it on an english muffin and top it with havarti, the more i won't miss you. right? isn't that how it works? i'll keep telling myself that. in the meantime, my excuse for not visiting (anywhere) is the lack of the honda i paid for to appear. how many more months shall i wait for it, thinking of all the other things i could productively do with that money? 3. mid june is my official end, i just decided. trying to decide what to do for my birthday. thinking the best present to myself would be to work my ass off all month so as to afford to do all the things i want to this summer: live in the upstate NY house that's been offered up again, with the "new" 50's ford to drive around... fly down to charlotte in june for that show... go to the rumored tributes in ft lauderdale and chicago... and still keep my kick-ass apartment in rva and my leisurely lifestyle. that won't take much money, will it? hmph. "don't you dare tell me how this ends... let me think it's alright, digging through the long night..."